I think I need to admit that I need to be loved. I don't like to admit that. I don't like I admit that I need anything from other people. It feels like such a girly thing to say. That I desire for someone to care about me, to think I'm beautiful. And I hate to be girly.
But I do want that.
So I try to find it in all the wrong places. Guys don't care, or maybe they do, or they could, but I'm throwing a lot of time and energy their way for something they can't give me. It's time and energy they don't even know about. It's time spent worrying and dreaming and feeling something I don't even really want.
I don't know what I want.
Because what I want is not something I or this world understands. It's a longing that can only be filled when I realize that I am loved and I always have been and that it is in fact enough. I think the world tries to tell us that there's never enough. That I'm not smart enough, pretty enough or social enough. No matter who you are, you will never be enough. So I forget that under all of my confusion and pain and longing there is a God who made me, loves me, and will fulfill me if only I'll let him.
He wants me to let go.
Let go of the frustration, the planning, the need and just let him love me. Because only then can I love myself and let myself be loved by others.
Which in the end is what we all want, right?
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