In accounting, there is this thing called opportunity cost. Basically, it is a measure of the benefits you give up by choosing to take a certain path. The benefits of the path you choose should (hopefully!) outweigh the opportunity cost that you had to give up.
This concept applies to pretty much every choice in life. Do I get a salad or a burger? If I get a burger, I give up the health benefits of that salad. If I get a salad, I give up the enjoyment of that burger...and I would definitely enjoy that burger. These choices seemed somewhat trivial growing up. I chose T-ball over ballet and then I chose horses over baseball. I guess those choices did have a last impact, but they were so much easier to make because I didn't think about it. I liked baseball better, so I chose it. I didn't think about how I would meet people in baseball and not get to meet people I would have met in ballet. I didn't think about how much more flexible and coordinated adult me might be if I had stuck with ballet instead. I just picked.
I wish it were still that easy, but the stakes feel higher.
I'm doing a mission's trip in Ireland this summer:
Benefits:
- I get to go to Ireland.
- God is going to work. I know it.
- I'm going to meet such cool people and build such unique relationships.
- SO MUCH ADVENTURE
- I get to go to Ireland and the adventure is calling my name. (These deserved two bullets)
Less: Opportunity Cost:
- I will get to spend literally a week with most of my friends and my brother.
- I'm missing an extended family camping trip with cousins I haven't seen in a long time.
- I was going to buy a car and work.
Both the benefits and costs have lasting effects on my life. There's a lot of pressure when we make choices these days. For me, I know God wants me in Ireland. I don't know why, but he does. Hopefully he'll let me in on it someday, but for now I rest pretty easy. When I start to stress about decisions I've made I just remember why I made them and I'm usually okay with it. I've found that for the most part, everything will work out in the end. That doesn't mean you should go try meth. I can't promise that's going to work out well for you.
I've just found that I make decisions much more complicated than they are. I should think less.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The future is coming...someday.
I've never really been someone with passion. I'm pretty calm externally. I'm more of a thinker than a doer. I've never been swept up by the idea that I could change the world. Maybe that's a confidence thing, like other people can make a difference, but nothing I do could ever make a big enough impact to change things. To me, the world has always just felt like a huge tide. It's destroying life as we know it, but we're all swept up and no one can really stop it. The politics in this country are gridlocked by bipartisan hatred, the corporate world is a mess, priorities are skewed, the things I've trusted in the church have been revealed as only slightly more reliable than the rest of the world. I guess in the end we're all people and people make no sense to me. To me there's no changing it.
So I became an accounting major. I enjoy accounting. I'm pretty good at it. It's black and white. That's pretty much enough, right? I can be an ethical accountant in the evil world of business. That would be enough. I don't need anything bigger. I'm just trying to live my life. My job is not my identity. I just want a job. Other people can be passionate about things...Good for them.
Research shows that above a subsistence level, higher income has no correlation with happiness. Things outside your wage make you happy. I already knew that, but thinking about it does beg the question...is accounting fulfilling enough? I kind of figured that since I liked it well enough and it would provide a good livelihood, that would be enough for my life. I could find fulfillment in other places. I wanted to be able to do cool things and travel and not worry, but I guess those things aren't enough to make someone happy. They won't keep your marriage together or force your kids to listen to you.
What I find myself asking is, "Is it enough to go work each day for a company whose sole purpose is to turn a profit?" Can I really spend my whole life helping the rich keep track of their money and maximize their profits? Maybe it's just the finals week crisis talking, but I feel completely disillusioned with the world of business and money.
Everyone I meet in business school seems to have the same motive, and I don't share it. Their life goals and mindsets aren't the same as mine so why are we pursuing the same track?
Why am I pursuing business?
I guess I started into business with two things in mind. Business is full of people with a less than powerful moral compass...obviously I'm generalizing here, but I figured I could be one of the good ones.
I could also be one of a minority of women in the big business-corporate world.
But I already work in a place where people aren't that excited about their job, and I go to school with people who think predominantly about themselves....and I don't like it.
I realized that it's really easy for me to go through life and be passionate about absolutely nothing. I know my job doesn't have to provide that passion, but why shouldn't it? Why can't I work at a place where people care about other people? Why did I even want to start working in big business? I don't want to spend my life crunching numbers simply to find out how to make those numbers bigger or smaller. I want to crunch numbers because they're actually important.
I'm not leaving business because I actually do like it. But given the opportunity to choose between a career at a big accounting firm and a small start-up with a big vision...I'm picking the start-up hands down.
That's definitely not something I was planning on when entering business...I don't even know what is happening to me today. Have you ever just woken up and been completely dissatisfied with your own view of the world?
That's today.
I just want to do things that help people. I just want to change the world.
So I became an accounting major. I enjoy accounting. I'm pretty good at it. It's black and white. That's pretty much enough, right? I can be an ethical accountant in the evil world of business. That would be enough. I don't need anything bigger. I'm just trying to live my life. My job is not my identity. I just want a job. Other people can be passionate about things...Good for them.
Research shows that above a subsistence level, higher income has no correlation with happiness. Things outside your wage make you happy. I already knew that, but thinking about it does beg the question...is accounting fulfilling enough? I kind of figured that since I liked it well enough and it would provide a good livelihood, that would be enough for my life. I could find fulfillment in other places. I wanted to be able to do cool things and travel and not worry, but I guess those things aren't enough to make someone happy. They won't keep your marriage together or force your kids to listen to you.
What I find myself asking is, "Is it enough to go work each day for a company whose sole purpose is to turn a profit?" Can I really spend my whole life helping the rich keep track of their money and maximize their profits? Maybe it's just the finals week crisis talking, but I feel completely disillusioned with the world of business and money.
Everyone I meet in business school seems to have the same motive, and I don't share it. Their life goals and mindsets aren't the same as mine so why are we pursuing the same track?
Why am I pursuing business?
I guess I started into business with two things in mind. Business is full of people with a less than powerful moral compass...obviously I'm generalizing here, but I figured I could be one of the good ones.
I could also be one of a minority of women in the big business-corporate world.
But I already work in a place where people aren't that excited about their job, and I go to school with people who think predominantly about themselves....and I don't like it.
I realized that it's really easy for me to go through life and be passionate about absolutely nothing. I know my job doesn't have to provide that passion, but why shouldn't it? Why can't I work at a place where people care about other people? Why did I even want to start working in big business? I don't want to spend my life crunching numbers simply to find out how to make those numbers bigger or smaller. I want to crunch numbers because they're actually important.
I'm not leaving business because I actually do like it. But given the opportunity to choose between a career at a big accounting firm and a small start-up with a big vision...I'm picking the start-up hands down.
That's definitely not something I was planning on when entering business...I don't even know what is happening to me today. Have you ever just woken up and been completely dissatisfied with your own view of the world?
That's today.
I just want to do things that help people. I just want to change the world.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Happy Sexual Wednesday? (Well, kind of)
It seems like everyone in my life is obsessed with sex. Maybe "obsessed" is a strong word, but it sure does seem like it's everywhere. It permeates every form of entertainment: music, movies, TV, advertising. High school and college are always about who's sleeping with who, who's not not sleeping with anyone and who's sleeping with everyone. I learned to have safe sex in school, abstinence at church and home, and promiscuity from my peers. I watched my friends explore (or deny) their sexuality. Everyone had their own way of dealing with it, whether publicly or behind closed doors.
(Just to preface, I'm not discounting how amazing it is to wait. I really truly think that's how it's meant to be. What I take issue with and what this blog is about is how both non-Christians and Christians approach abstinence.)
I've grown up being told that sex is pretty cool, but it's meant for the context of marriage. I've had the once yearly relationship series at youth group, constant teaching in D-Group, and the everyday reminders at home. I've heard everything under the sky about why you should wait:
"Your sex will be better"
"It's your gift to your future husband"
"You don't want to have any regrets"
I wish I hadn't been told these things and I wish we didn't continue to tell them to young girls. You can't promise my sex will be better. That's ridiculous. It sets girls up to idolize marriage. There is no way you can know the sex will be better. You hear those studies that compare the happiness of married couples sex lives between those that had sex pre-marriage and those who waited until their wedding night...they also say so-and-so percentage of couples who waited are happier. What about that percentage of couples who waited, but don't report that their marriages and sex lives are fantastic? It's not that cut & dry. You can't guarantee that it will be all peaches and cream when they walk out of that church. Don't imply that I will/won't have a happy marriage based on my pre-marriage decisions.
Then there's that whole "gift" thing. This one probably makes me the most mad. It made sense and seemed compelling when I was 13 and had never held held hands with a boy, but beyond that it just makes me feel like crap. It implies that I'm only as valuable as my abstinence, that I'm worthless without my virginity, that my husband will love me less if I fail. I have a lot of "gifts" to bring to marriage and I don't consider my virginity the biggest one.
"You don't want to have any regrets."
I don't think that's true. Most people I've talked to don't regret their pasts. Even if they are now in a committed relationship or married, they know how they felt at the time and they don't regret their decisions. (Btws, I'm talking about sex in other committed relationships, not random hookups. I think people regret those more.) I know people who do wait always are glad they waited, but I don't think that it's necessarily accurate to say that those who don't wait regret it.
So what should we tell young girls?
- God intends for us to wait. Sex outside of marriage is a sin...just like lying, murder and gossip. Sex is intended to be the signature on the contract of marriage. So God wants us to be pure. It's not something to give away lightly, but just like everything else, God's grace covers you. And it's okay to long for intimacy, there's nothing wrong with you if you desire sex, but know that a casual hookup or even a relationship isn't going to fill that longing. It can only be filled when you know that you are loved, both eternally by God and completely by your partner.
In a Christian culture that prizes abstinence above all else, I watch Christian couples push boundaries, but don't worry because they don't go "all the way." In a Christian culture where the biggest concern is "How far is too far?" the focus is all wrong. Darkness is the absence of light, but light is not absence of darkness. It is its own entity, with it's own source, not dependent on the darkness. Similarly, having sex may mean the absence of purity, but purity is not simply the absence of sex. It too is its own entity with its own source. I'm a virgin but I have definitely gone through times where I was less than pure. Purity has to be more than physical. Can we please focus less on the act of sex and more on the mindset? Because it's very possible to have had sex and be far more pure than someone who is physically "pure." I'd agree that it's probably harder to be pure after sex, but let's be real...crazier things have happened. So let's stop telling God that he can't forgive and restore people that have sinned sexually. And let's stop telling teens that God can't or won't forgive them.
I think sex is a sin and should be treated as such. But that's all it is. Living a sinful lifestyle is just as easy whether you're sexually active or not.
(Just to preface, I'm not discounting how amazing it is to wait. I really truly think that's how it's meant to be. What I take issue with and what this blog is about is how both non-Christians and Christians approach abstinence.)
I've grown up being told that sex is pretty cool, but it's meant for the context of marriage. I've had the once yearly relationship series at youth group, constant teaching in D-Group, and the everyday reminders at home. I've heard everything under the sky about why you should wait:
"Your sex will be better"
"It's your gift to your future husband"
"You don't want to have any regrets"
I wish I hadn't been told these things and I wish we didn't continue to tell them to young girls. You can't promise my sex will be better. That's ridiculous. It sets girls up to idolize marriage. There is no way you can know the sex will be better. You hear those studies that compare the happiness of married couples sex lives between those that had sex pre-marriage and those who waited until their wedding night...they also say so-and-so percentage of couples who waited are happier. What about that percentage of couples who waited, but don't report that their marriages and sex lives are fantastic? It's not that cut & dry. You can't guarantee that it will be all peaches and cream when they walk out of that church. Don't imply that I will/won't have a happy marriage based on my pre-marriage decisions.
Then there's that whole "gift" thing. This one probably makes me the most mad. It made sense and seemed compelling when I was 13 and had never held held hands with a boy, but beyond that it just makes me feel like crap. It implies that I'm only as valuable as my abstinence, that I'm worthless without my virginity, that my husband will love me less if I fail. I have a lot of "gifts" to bring to marriage and I don't consider my virginity the biggest one.
"You don't want to have any regrets."
I don't think that's true. Most people I've talked to don't regret their pasts. Even if they are now in a committed relationship or married, they know how they felt at the time and they don't regret their decisions. (Btws, I'm talking about sex in other committed relationships, not random hookups. I think people regret those more.) I know people who do wait always are glad they waited, but I don't think that it's necessarily accurate to say that those who don't wait regret it.
So what should we tell young girls?
- God intends for us to wait. Sex outside of marriage is a sin...just like lying, murder and gossip. Sex is intended to be the signature on the contract of marriage. So God wants us to be pure. It's not something to give away lightly, but just like everything else, God's grace covers you. And it's okay to long for intimacy, there's nothing wrong with you if you desire sex, but know that a casual hookup or even a relationship isn't going to fill that longing. It can only be filled when you know that you are loved, both eternally by God and completely by your partner.
In a Christian culture that prizes abstinence above all else, I watch Christian couples push boundaries, but don't worry because they don't go "all the way." In a Christian culture where the biggest concern is "How far is too far?" the focus is all wrong. Darkness is the absence of light, but light is not absence of darkness. It is its own entity, with it's own source, not dependent on the darkness. Similarly, having sex may mean the absence of purity, but purity is not simply the absence of sex. It too is its own entity with its own source. I'm a virgin but I have definitely gone through times where I was less than pure. Purity has to be more than physical. Can we please focus less on the act of sex and more on the mindset? Because it's very possible to have had sex and be far more pure than someone who is physically "pure." I'd agree that it's probably harder to be pure after sex, but let's be real...crazier things have happened. So let's stop telling God that he can't forgive and restore people that have sinned sexually. And let's stop telling teens that God can't or won't forgive them.
I think sex is a sin and should be treated as such. But that's all it is. Living a sinful lifestyle is just as easy whether you're sexually active or not.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Finding love
I think I need to admit that I need to be loved. I don't like to admit that. I don't like I admit that I need anything from other people. It feels like such a girly thing to say. That I desire for someone to care about me, to think I'm beautiful. And I hate to be girly.
But I do want that.
So I try to find it in all the wrong places. Guys don't care, or maybe they do, or they could, but I'm throwing a lot of time and energy their way for something they can't give me. It's time and energy they don't even know about. It's time spent worrying and dreaming and feeling something I don't even really want.
I don't know what I want.
Because what I want is not something I or this world understands. It's a longing that can only be filled when I realize that I am loved and I always have been and that it is in fact enough. I think the world tries to tell us that there's never enough. That I'm not smart enough, pretty enough or social enough. No matter who you are, you will never be enough. So I forget that under all of my confusion and pain and longing there is a God who made me, loves me, and will fulfill me if only I'll let him.
He wants me to let go.
Let go of the frustration, the planning, the need and just let him love me. Because only then can I love myself and let myself be loved by others.
Which in the end is what we all want, right?
But I do want that.
So I try to find it in all the wrong places. Guys don't care, or maybe they do, or they could, but I'm throwing a lot of time and energy their way for something they can't give me. It's time and energy they don't even know about. It's time spent worrying and dreaming and feeling something I don't even really want.
I don't know what I want.
Because what I want is not something I or this world understands. It's a longing that can only be filled when I realize that I am loved and I always have been and that it is in fact enough. I think the world tries to tell us that there's never enough. That I'm not smart enough, pretty enough or social enough. No matter who you are, you will never be enough. So I forget that under all of my confusion and pain and longing there is a God who made me, loves me, and will fulfill me if only I'll let him.
He wants me to let go.
Let go of the frustration, the planning, the need and just let him love me. Because only then can I love myself and let myself be loved by others.
Which in the end is what we all want, right?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Thankfulness Jar: 2012
Some are serious, some are silly, here are a few of the highlights:
- I'm thankful people at UW get my sense of humor.
- I'm thankful for raincoats.
- I'm thankful God made me so smart.
- I'm thankful for the Christian people God has given me at UW.
- I'm thankful for the light at the end of the tunnel.
- I'm thankful for fall.
- I'm thankful for opportunities.
- I'm thankful for God's timing.
- I'm thankful for the freedom to make good and bad choices.
- I'm thankful for new friends.
- I'm thankful for adults in my life who support and love me, no matter what. Not everyone gets that base.
- I'm thankful for coffee and youth pastors and good advice.
- I'm thankful for winter mornings.
So yea, there are some of the things I was thankful for this year. A few I don't even remember the stories behind. Excited to start clean with an empty jar in 2013. And I made a little book of this past year's thanks!
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I love you all. Thanks for making it an awesome year.
Monday, December 31, 2012
2-0-1-2: The Year in Review
The title kind of rhymes if you read it right (with each number separately). I worked on it a long time (not really!) and I wanted you to notice. Also, this is going to be a long one, so brace yourselves.
If an hour ago, you had asked what sort of year 2012 has been, I would have said "pretty good." But after reliving the year's memories over my twitter feed, I can confidently say that this is by far the best year of my life (as of yet, fingers crossed for even better things to come!). That's not to say that this year didn't have it downs. This year probably holds my deepest valleys (hardest struggles, biggest hurdles etc.), but it also holds the most growth and the sweetest memories.
So much has happened: I finally went through puberty (Yay boobs!), I had the best summer ever, People came into my life, People left my life, I was surprised right and left by the complexity of all my friendships, I moved out, I started a new life, I figured out how to express myself and most of all, I didn't die.
Looking back on my first blog post (It was in January, how perfect) it feels so far away. I was struggling with what college to go to, and had been struck with the realization of how my words affect people. While I haven't exactly mastered it yet, I've definitely grown a lot in the way I relate with others. As in, I can actually relate with others now. Somewhere in the midst of the chaos I found my emotions. We have a kind of love/hate relationship, but I guess I see why they're important. (sometimes)
This was my best summer ever. I've developed quite the sense of adventure thanks to some of my friends (cough Val, Rover cough). Like yea, I could just sit on the couch and we could have fun and watch a movie....or we could go get pulled over trying to buy ice cream, or go hiking in the dark or go kiss a stranger in the mall. The important thing is to go and try to do something. You don't always succeed, but who the heck cares? You had an adventure and often that's even better than accomplishing your goal.
I probably spent most of my summer with my church. Jr. High camp where I got to be a co-counselor with one of my greatest friends and heterosexual life partner (HLP), Aaryn...we were awesome together and shared some amazing conversations with our cabin (who was full of pretty cool girls btws). We told an awful lot of fibs about the bugs in our cabin, allegedly kidnapped a full grown man, were punished with whipped cream in the face (quite possibly the worst thing I have ever experienced, you don't understand), were hunted by Jr. Highers and got to share some of our "wisdom" with our cabin. The best gem was when we were talking about friendship and Aaryn said "A friend is someone who is willing to jump any hurdle for you." This year I jumped a lot of hurdles, and watched my friends do the same for me.
There were days of playing Frisbee, watching Joe and Martin quote Psych for hours straight, downtown Tacoma with Aaryn, chilling with Jenn, Taylor, Emily and Val and oh yea, I worked too. And then there was Voyage...60 high school students, 3 boats, and an awful lot of free time and sunshine. I watched my youth pastors do/say the funniest things (story time and raps, you guys are the best), I learned speed uno, there was the guy that crashed our worship service with his Eminem, about a million games of Settlers and so much talking. I have to be honest, I was a little bummed when I first learned that we wouldn't be going to CIY for my senior year, but I can't imagine anything better than the time I spent on those boats. T.H.E. B.E.S.T.
But this summer, I also found out that sometimes people are brought into your life, but they aren't always meant to stay. Sometimes they have to move geographically and sometimes you just need to let them go. God definitely brought some people into my life this year, and then within a few months it was time to say good bye. Either they were leaving or I was, and I had some really terrible good byes. My best friend of 4 years was leaving me for Minnesota. My favorite interns were headed back to Missouri. Everyone I knew was scattering, myself included. Some ties just needed to be cut. They were a constant source of pain, but I wasn't ready to let go, then at some point I just had to. I couldn't handle it anymore. I guess that's what growing up is like. All summers must come to an end.
I couldn't be happier than I am at UW. My classy roommate (Claire-Bear) and Poplar 4 fam (You know who you are) have really made the transition so much better than I could have hoped. I love how much I have to think. It's been a long time since my brain has had to work like that and it's completely refreshing. I've never struggled to still feel dumb before, but I'm so thankful to be learning alongside all the gifted, intelligent people I find myself in contact with on a daily basis. Do you know what it's like to come to a class where everyone has done the reading and is prepared to discuss?? Neither had I until I came to UW. There is so much exploring and so much fun to be had in the city. I love that place so freaking much. So many memories already made with many more to come! (Shout out to the Ave House boys for being the best ever. :))
One of my biggest struggles this year has been seeing how relationships change. How you view someone, may not always be how they view you...and when their view of you changes, it can send your whole world spinning. I guess it's important to remember that things aren't always as they seem. I find myself more confused by people than ever before. You think a person is one way and your relationship is one way and then they surprise you. Every time. I will never cease to be astonished at how complex people are. Everyone has so many sides, so many unique struggles and problems that I can't possibly imagine. Blows my mind every time....
Anyways, looking ahead to 2013!
I'm not making resolutions. I'm just not. (Ok maybe these are kind of resolutions, but they're broad so I'm not counting it. If you don't like it, you can sue me.)
I want to make the most of this year. This year should be about stretching and doing scary things and getting out of the teeny tiny box that is my comfort zone. It's about learning and understanding and doing. It's about being me. Even when that is the scariest thing I've ever done. I want to be more honest this year and more up front. No more compromising myself. Not for anyone.
I love you guys. Thanks for the awesome year. Can't wait to see you all in 2013!!!
If an hour ago, you had asked what sort of year 2012 has been, I would have said "pretty good." But after reliving the year's memories over my twitter feed, I can confidently say that this is by far the best year of my life (as of yet, fingers crossed for even better things to come!). That's not to say that this year didn't have it downs. This year probably holds my deepest valleys (hardest struggles, biggest hurdles etc.), but it also holds the most growth and the sweetest memories.
So much has happened: I finally went through puberty (Yay boobs!), I had the best summer ever, People came into my life, People left my life, I was surprised right and left by the complexity of all my friendships, I moved out, I started a new life, I figured out how to express myself and most of all, I didn't die.
Looking back on my first blog post (It was in January, how perfect) it feels so far away. I was struggling with what college to go to, and had been struck with the realization of how my words affect people. While I haven't exactly mastered it yet, I've definitely grown a lot in the way I relate with others. As in, I can actually relate with others now. Somewhere in the midst of the chaos I found my emotions. We have a kind of love/hate relationship, but I guess I see why they're important. (sometimes)
This was my best summer ever. I've developed quite the sense of adventure thanks to some of my friends (cough Val, Rover cough). Like yea, I could just sit on the couch and we could have fun and watch a movie....or we could go get pulled over trying to buy ice cream, or go hiking in the dark or go kiss a stranger in the mall. The important thing is to go and try to do something. You don't always succeed, but who the heck cares? You had an adventure and often that's even better than accomplishing your goal.
I probably spent most of my summer with my church. Jr. High camp where I got to be a co-counselor with one of my greatest friends and heterosexual life partner (HLP), Aaryn...we were awesome together and shared some amazing conversations with our cabin (who was full of pretty cool girls btws). We told an awful lot of fibs about the bugs in our cabin, allegedly kidnapped a full grown man, were punished with whipped cream in the face (quite possibly the worst thing I have ever experienced, you don't understand), were hunted by Jr. Highers and got to share some of our "wisdom" with our cabin. The best gem was when we were talking about friendship and Aaryn said "A friend is someone who is willing to jump any hurdle for you." This year I jumped a lot of hurdles, and watched my friends do the same for me.
There were days of playing Frisbee, watching Joe and Martin quote Psych for hours straight, downtown Tacoma with Aaryn, chilling with Jenn, Taylor, Emily and Val and oh yea, I worked too. And then there was Voyage...60 high school students, 3 boats, and an awful lot of free time and sunshine. I watched my youth pastors do/say the funniest things (story time and raps, you guys are the best), I learned speed uno, there was the guy that crashed our worship service with his Eminem, about a million games of Settlers and so much talking. I have to be honest, I was a little bummed when I first learned that we wouldn't be going to CIY for my senior year, but I can't imagine anything better than the time I spent on those boats. T.H.E. B.E.S.T.
But this summer, I also found out that sometimes people are brought into your life, but they aren't always meant to stay. Sometimes they have to move geographically and sometimes you just need to let them go. God definitely brought some people into my life this year, and then within a few months it was time to say good bye. Either they were leaving or I was, and I had some really terrible good byes. My best friend of 4 years was leaving me for Minnesota. My favorite interns were headed back to Missouri. Everyone I knew was scattering, myself included. Some ties just needed to be cut. They were a constant source of pain, but I wasn't ready to let go, then at some point I just had to. I couldn't handle it anymore. I guess that's what growing up is like. All summers must come to an end.
I couldn't be happier than I am at UW. My classy roommate (Claire-Bear) and Poplar 4 fam (You know who you are) have really made the transition so much better than I could have hoped. I love how much I have to think. It's been a long time since my brain has had to work like that and it's completely refreshing. I've never struggled to still feel dumb before, but I'm so thankful to be learning alongside all the gifted, intelligent people I find myself in contact with on a daily basis. Do you know what it's like to come to a class where everyone has done the reading and is prepared to discuss?? Neither had I until I came to UW. There is so much exploring and so much fun to be had in the city. I love that place so freaking much. So many memories already made with many more to come! (Shout out to the Ave House boys for being the best ever. :))
One of my biggest struggles this year has been seeing how relationships change. How you view someone, may not always be how they view you...and when their view of you changes, it can send your whole world spinning. I guess it's important to remember that things aren't always as they seem. I find myself more confused by people than ever before. You think a person is one way and your relationship is one way and then they surprise you. Every time. I will never cease to be astonished at how complex people are. Everyone has so many sides, so many unique struggles and problems that I can't possibly imagine. Blows my mind every time....
Anyways, looking ahead to 2013!
I'm not making resolutions. I'm just not. (Ok maybe these are kind of resolutions, but they're broad so I'm not counting it. If you don't like it, you can sue me.)
I want to make the most of this year. This year should be about stretching and doing scary things and getting out of the teeny tiny box that is my comfort zone. It's about learning and understanding and doing. It's about being me. Even when that is the scariest thing I've ever done. I want to be more honest this year and more up front. No more compromising myself. Not for anyone.
I love you guys. Thanks for the awesome year. Can't wait to see you all in 2013!!!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Well hello...again.
After a long 2-month absence from this blog, I am back. I was thinking about why I haven't blogged whilst at school and I was thinking of exactly why I haven't....Lack of time? Yea, but no, I've been busy, but not that busy. Did I die? Almost. What I really think it comes down to though, is the fact that I don't have a car at school. I always have come up with my best ideas for blogs and videos while driving, and now that I never drive, I seriously lack inspiration. But the good news is, I'm back for winter break...license and all.
My first semester at college while seemingly uneventful, taught me a whole lot of things:
1. Being an adult is a lot of a work:
I'm responsible for making sure my tuition gets paid, that speeding tickets from the summer get taken care of (oops), that my work tells the union that I stopped working in September (double oops)...and that's just the beginning. I've taken on a whole list of household tasks. Some I expected: I was already doing my laundry, I knew I'd have dishes, I knew I'd have to vacuum and dust. What I didn't count on was vacuuming at least once a week, the problems with plumbing when 2 girls are losing all their hair (more on hair loss later), and how much I don't have the things I need to cook a meal.
The plumbing story is a good one. Our sink drain was getting really gross. The stopper was surrounded by a gross mass of hair, food particles and miscellaneous other things that would no longer go down the clogged sink. One day I couldn't take it anymore, so I googled how to remove the plug and crawled under the sink to do so. I cleaned everything out that I could reach (It was soooo gross, luckily I was just getting over a cold and I couldn't smell it. But it was really gross...like I almost puked gross. And I have done a lot of gross things in my time with horses, so it was really bad.). So I got it cleaned and figured that I was good. Then, in the process of messing with the sink, I thought it was leaking, so we called an emergency work order and I cleared everything out....turns out, I'm just a little stupid. You know that hole sometimes in the front top part of a porcelain sink? Yea, water had just splashed out of that and ran down the pipe. Oops. Well at least our sink wasn't leaking!
2. College is stressful:
I like stress. I always have. But I was not prepared for the strain that I would undergo this quarter. I'm actually losing my hair now. Every time I shower, I pull out chunks of hair and I don't know why. It's never happened before and it's freaking me out. The first half the quarter I was doing really well. I was balancing everything: schoolwork, adventures, working out, hanging out. And then it caught up with me. I wasn't getting enough sleep, the work was getting harder and I just wasn't prepared. Midterms kind of stretched themselves from mid-quarter all the way up to finals week, so that was fun. But I made it! And I never have to take calculus again!!! So I'm good now. Ready for next quarter!
3. Keep an Open Mind
You never know where you are going to end up wanting to go. Majors change, post graduation plans change and you have to be ready to roll with punches. I'd hate to close a door now, assuming I won't want to go through it, and then fast forward to a place where all I want is to go through that door I closed for myself. It's about keeping an open mind for the places you can go.
It's also about the people you meet. Moving to such a big city, I've met a lot of different people who I never got the opportunity to meet back at home. And it's awesome. The variety I get to have in my group of friends is amazing. I'm honestly really excited about it. Which is funny, because I'm not really a people person. I don't know, it's just been pretty cool putting myself in new situations and seeing if I can handle them like an adult. And it's ok to mess up, because everyone does and college is a great place to figure things out.
No one knows where I come from. No one knows my family, no one knows my background and it's refreshing, but it's also a little exhausting. Having to represent yourself to each and every person kind of means you have to know who you are and what representing you looks like. It's like a crash course in being yourself. What you get to show other people is like a sleek, streamlined edition of you. They don't have to know all of the baggage that went into getting you where you are today, all they see is the (semi) finished product.
And that's strange.
My first semester at college while seemingly uneventful, taught me a whole lot of things:
1. Being an adult is a lot of a work:
I'm responsible for making sure my tuition gets paid, that speeding tickets from the summer get taken care of (oops), that my work tells the union that I stopped working in September (double oops)...and that's just the beginning. I've taken on a whole list of household tasks. Some I expected: I was already doing my laundry, I knew I'd have dishes, I knew I'd have to vacuum and dust. What I didn't count on was vacuuming at least once a week, the problems with plumbing when 2 girls are losing all their hair (more on hair loss later), and how much I don't have the things I need to cook a meal.
The plumbing story is a good one. Our sink drain was getting really gross. The stopper was surrounded by a gross mass of hair, food particles and miscellaneous other things that would no longer go down the clogged sink. One day I couldn't take it anymore, so I googled how to remove the plug and crawled under the sink to do so. I cleaned everything out that I could reach (It was soooo gross, luckily I was just getting over a cold and I couldn't smell it. But it was really gross...like I almost puked gross. And I have done a lot of gross things in my time with horses, so it was really bad.). So I got it cleaned and figured that I was good. Then, in the process of messing with the sink, I thought it was leaking, so we called an emergency work order and I cleared everything out....turns out, I'm just a little stupid. You know that hole sometimes in the front top part of a porcelain sink? Yea, water had just splashed out of that and ran down the pipe. Oops. Well at least our sink wasn't leaking!
2. College is stressful:
I like stress. I always have. But I was not prepared for the strain that I would undergo this quarter. I'm actually losing my hair now. Every time I shower, I pull out chunks of hair and I don't know why. It's never happened before and it's freaking me out. The first half the quarter I was doing really well. I was balancing everything: schoolwork, adventures, working out, hanging out. And then it caught up with me. I wasn't getting enough sleep, the work was getting harder and I just wasn't prepared. Midterms kind of stretched themselves from mid-quarter all the way up to finals week, so that was fun. But I made it! And I never have to take calculus again!!! So I'm good now. Ready for next quarter!
3. Keep an Open Mind
You never know where you are going to end up wanting to go. Majors change, post graduation plans change and you have to be ready to roll with punches. I'd hate to close a door now, assuming I won't want to go through it, and then fast forward to a place where all I want is to go through that door I closed for myself. It's about keeping an open mind for the places you can go.
It's also about the people you meet. Moving to such a big city, I've met a lot of different people who I never got the opportunity to meet back at home. And it's awesome. The variety I get to have in my group of friends is amazing. I'm honestly really excited about it. Which is funny, because I'm not really a people person. I don't know, it's just been pretty cool putting myself in new situations and seeing if I can handle them like an adult. And it's ok to mess up, because everyone does and college is a great place to figure things out.
No one knows where I come from. No one knows my family, no one knows my background and it's refreshing, but it's also a little exhausting. Having to represent yourself to each and every person kind of means you have to know who you are and what representing you looks like. It's like a crash course in being yourself. What you get to show other people is like a sleek, streamlined edition of you. They don't have to know all of the baggage that went into getting you where you are today, all they see is the (semi) finished product.
And that's strange.
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